Posts Tagged ‘starting pitcher’


What type of Pitcher are you?

by alfredomercuri in Uncategorized

In the world of “hooking up” there are a variety of pitchers out there … and it’s wise for both men and women to realize what kind they’re talking to, and what type of pitcher they are themselves.

Starting Pitchers

They’re going to give you five, maybe six strong innings. If you leave them in till the seventh, they’re likely to be shelled for a few runs.

Characteristics of a Starting Pitcher

  • Good opening line.
  • Can be entertaining … but only for a limited time before the other person’s eyes start roaming, looking for someone else to talk to.
  • They’re like a young cub in the wild … they can’t stay focused. They may get ten different people’s numbers, but at the end of the night they have nothing to show for it.

Types of Starting Pitchers

  • Fastball Pitcher (i.e. Roger Clemens) – this person is going to try to overpower you with their personality. They’re going to give up a few runs, but they’re going to keep the game close. They don’t have a lot of pitches in their arsenal, and if you leave them in long enough they’re going to allow the game to become out of hand. They usually talk about themselves the entire conversation.
  • Sinker Ball Pitcher (i.e. Derick Lowe) – this person is going to ask a lot of questions. What do you do? Where do you live? The ball is always going to be put into play. The problem is they can become boring, and there’s not going to be much excitement in the conversation.
  • Curveball Pitcher (i.e. Barry Zito) – everybody should have a great curveball to at least compliment the other pitches. This person relies on his curveball way too much. This type of person will usually bring out the magic tricks and the jokes way too early. Problem is, once the magic is gone, they’re left with nothing.
  • Knuckleballer Pitcher (i.e Tim Wakefield) – When they’re on, they’re on … when they’re off, they’re off. The beauty of the knuckleballer is in their simplicity. Their game is effortless, and when it’s working the other person can’t believe they’re falling for it. When it’s not working, the other person is whacking them off the scoreboard. Problem is too much of their game relies on atmospheric conditions.  A knuckleballer will either give you one inning, or if the air is just right they’ll go the distance.

The next category is your “Middle Relievers”

Middle Relievers

They pick up exactly where the starting pitcher left off, and make sure everything stays under control. They’re going to make sure the person is comfortable, has a full drink, and keep the conversation going until you call in the closer from the bullpen. Every now and then they may close out the game, but it’s rare. This type of person is just looking to have a good time, and “hooking up” is not the main thing on their mind.

Characteristics of Middle Reliever

  • Wears many faces, must be able to adapt to all sorts of situations.
  • Very hospitable
  • Great listener
  • Usually a very loyal friend; “Team Player.”

There are not many types of “Middle Relievers.” They are, who they are. For you middle relievers out there, you know exactly who you are, and that’s not a bad thing. Middle relievers are generally “nice guys.” It should be noted that many middle relievers later in their career turn into closers, and when they make the switch they’re usually some of the best closers in the game. Being a middle reliever is almost like an apprenticeship. They’re exposed to so many different kinds of situations, that by the time they turn into a closer, they’re a wily veteran. This is usually the guy/girl who snags some young stud/fillie.

Which leads us to our “Closers” …


This person does exactly that. They close, and they do whatever it takes to make that happen. They come in for one thing, and one thing only … sex. You’ll usually see them around 1:30 A.M … they start warming up in the bullpen around 1 A.M., waiting patiently for the call. Did I mention that sex is the only thing on their mind?

Characteristics of a Closer

  • Not afraid to take risks … asks the big question …. “Do you want to go back to my place for pizza?” …
  • Obviously, they’re a stallion or gazelle in the bedroom.
  • “There’s an I in Team” type of person.

Types of Closers

  • “Lights Out” (i.e Mariano Rivera) – this person has ice water running through their veins. Bases can be loaded with 0 outs in the bottom of the ninth, and they’ll be unfazed.  They’re focus is on quality, not quantity. They operate at a near mesmerizing pace, and it looks effortless. It doesn’t matter how hot, intelligent, or standoff-ish the other person is, they’re going to find your weakness and exploit it …. then it’s lights out until the morning rays poke there way through the blinds.
  • “Cheap Closer” (i.e. Eric Gagne) – this person remains sober throughout the night, preying on drunk people. They usually have a drink in their hand, but they’re just sipping it. They’re focus is more on quantity, rather than quality. They let the other people do the work for them. This type of person will roll into the game with a four run lead, bases empty, and the top of the lineup due, and close out the game without much fanfare. You’re not going to read about their game in the paper, but they couldn’t care less. All they’re looking for is another notch on their belt.

Finally … that leads us to our “Complete Game” pitchers.

Complete Game Pitchers

As in baseball, these are a rare find (i.e Tim Lincecum or Roy Halladay). They’re going to go the full 9 innings. When these people are on the mound the rest of the staff has the night off. These are your big game guys … the type of person you want to hand the ball off to for Game 7 of the World Series.

Characteristics of a Complete Game Pitchers

  • Very focused … nothing rattles them.
  • They love the big stage.
  • Amazing stamina.
  • Complete game (humor, charm, sincerity)

There’s only one type of these people. You just know who they are … they have that “that”. They lock onto a person, and once they do it’s over.

So what type of pitcher are you? What I’ve found is it’s best to let other people determine what type of pitcher you are. Most people think they’re closers … they’re not. A lot of people think they can throw a complete game … they can’t. Some people think they’re middle relievers being groomed for a closer role … nope.